Sunday, July 20, 2014

Emotional scratching posts

Do we all have these? Emotional scratching posts - moments in time you go back to remind you of your biggest smile, or to an epiphany that made your world clearer. In my case, these are the lifelines that stave off attacks of depression or pull me through my lowest points of self doubt. Also in my case, some of these might involve situations that were miserable for others. Yes I do delight in the misery of others; especially if those people have at some time contributed to my misery.

I like the idea of holding on to these high points instead of holding on to grudges. Getting an emotionally uplifting scratch is so much more satisfying than a vengeful stirring of all that has gone wrong.

There are these moments where you need to pause, get off the roller coaster that our lives become. Moments where the world gets too much with us, so much so that all we see of life is a blur where we only see what we want to see. These emotional scratching posts are also great for moments of self-discovery.

Unless you know what truly makes you happy, can you know what kind of person you are? Do you exult at the small moments or the moments you fulfilled a long-held dream? The times where you saw Karma in action or when someone got what they deserved (good or bad)? Or is your ultimate high that minute you heard your little niece's cry for the very first time as she was born?

Then there are the times where I self medicate and look for emotional scratching posts through travelling, shopping and/or sleep. Sometimes looking outward is what the inside needs. To turn towards something unfamiliar can be the diversion our brain needs so that they can go on timeout. Coming back to the familiarity of the real world can feel so much better after a meandering through the unknown.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Dancing with monsters through the night

I've met many of the demons of the past. Some I live with everyday, some are part of me. There are others I struggle to forget and yet others that I struggle to bury in the recesses of my cluttered brain. I mostly succeed & living in denial of these demons works on almost all days.

But every once in a while, they refuse to be pushed down & I have to face them head on. And invariably, I become the person I was when those demons first overwhelmed me. Its like a unwanted surprise trip back in time. I remember my vulnerabilities & become my insecurities & fold into myself. Its not something I have any choice or will power over; because if I did, trust me I'd choose any other mental disease over the threat of these demons.

Its easy to judge me; I wear my heart on my sleeve. I will do anything for you if I like you & I will gently excuse myself from your life if I don't like you. I am open, honest to the point of rude & straight forward. But that also means I can't maintain a charade of things being right when they're not. I will still be smiling but I will have no idea who the smile is aimed for. 

Even today, I know the world is still spinning as it should with everyone trying to kill everyone else. But in my head, I'm back in college as an insecure girl with ambition but no plans or goals. Being taken advantage of, being lied to, being naive and not caring about how easy it is to get your heart broken. I'm battling my demons of the time I was in an abusive relationship because I thought that was what I deserved. 

But we're all older & wiser now, or atleast we pretend we are. Imagination is a tool that comes in handy when you're trying to rewind & play & fast forward the video tape that is your life.