Beirut blogging

I'm sitting here in my gorgeous Beirut hotel room which has the most amazing view of the city. I'm tired and can't deal with the idea of having dinner in the restaurant and having to deal with all those people. So I order room service, post on FB and settle in for some TV.

The Fault in our Stars comes on from the dinner scene, "I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I am in love with you."

This kind of timing when I'm in such a gorgeous room in such an amazing city blows my mind. This can't be just a coincidence. I can't just be this lucky. This life of mine feels like a series of random occurrences that never quite make sense. It reminds me of a giant puzzle that only makes sense from an aerial viewpoint.

Then this scene comes where they are listening to a classical music group busking at Rijksmuseum, and I suddenly realised I've stood there. I've stood there listening to music too. Me. The girl who grew up envious of everyone because all she had were dreams.

Dreams are hurtful to grow up with when you don't know how to make them come true. But then when you've given up on yourself and the world, somehow the world will find a way to surprise you. At least that's what keeps happening to me.

I'm surrounded by others who are travelling the world and they fuel my dreams. My passion to see the world is rivaled only by my love for my family. It is a strange balance but it is one that somehow sustains me. Now to see where my passion takes me next.

Learning to open a door

Why is it that the first thing a heartbreak does is to help you shut the world out? Shouldn't a broken heart try to heal by finding love elsewhere?

Maybe it's just me but I have been shut away from the world of love for a long time now. I have my lovely job and some amazing friends and have never really felt the need to have more just because I should. And my heartbreak has kept me unable to trust in anybody without them having to prove themselves to me.

Most men don't think I'm worth the effort they will have to take, especially after they see me. An acquaintance once told me my expectations were too high for someone who didn't have too much to offer. Maybe that's true but I don't see it that way...

Yes my packaging isn't great. But I'm a good person with a great heart and great brains. That counts for something right? Even in this appearance-driven world? That's what I tell myself every time an online friend disappears after meeting me.

But I do a good job of keeping my guard up too. I push everyone away as much as I can, almost like a defense mechanism to cope with the eventual pushing away they will do. I do wonder however if this behaviour forces away someone who could have been interested.

Am I expecting too much from a world where I don't give enough in return? People say no one gets everything and I've been very lucky in terms of my family, my friends and my job: so maybe this is one thing that I'm left wanting for...

Introversia

No one believes me when I say I'm an introvert. I don't like most people I meet & am convinced that most people who meet me must not like me either. I have to make a conscious effort to show up for social engagements. I have to prepare myself for social interactions & feel incredibly surprised when people invite me to or involve me in events.

I try not to let the world see this side because my job requires me to be more than I am. There is so much to be done & standing by isn't part of the job description. It is a good indication of how much I love my job that I push through all my psychoses for it.

There are also just a handful of people who truly know this side of me and thankfully most of them don't judge me for it. However, some just don't understand. My parents, for example, don't understand my need to shun society. They don't get why I can't be like other girls who love family events and dressing up for said events.

On the other edge of this is my need to not completely be cut off from society. To that end, I will organise events with people I like and hope and pray that they will want to come. And then they do and all is good in the world. I have made some amazing friends as I've grown older and more comfortable with myself.

These friends have had varied lessons to teach me; some have shown me how to like myself while others have shown me that it's ok if everyone doesn't like me back. Yet others have shown me the importance of having values and passion while some others have helped me see the value of being single.

Having said that, now I feel that I'm getting to really like myself and understand what I want out of life. And I think the next step is to find someone who can hold on to me and make me want to let go of everything else. At least for a while.