I am my own darkness

I heard this dialogue about how we should own up to our darknesses. But then I got to thinking... are we not our own darkness and our own light? I do want to own up to these facets of me. I cannot begrudge me having my highs if I cannot accept my lows.

I had a coworker tell me that she always knows when I'm in the office because I'm full of life and character. My desk is the one with postcards and bookmarks, papers and notes, books and magnets from my friends. It's messy, chaotic and full of the remains of a life being lived at its fullest.

But there are moments it all falls apart and the only light I see is through the cracks. These times are getting fewer because growing older seems to be bringing with it a sense of calmness. It also helps that I'm slowly achieving some of my life goals.

Travelling and writing both bring with it a sense of I'll-be-fineness that I've never had before. The more places I see make me realise how much more I want to see. When I'm travelling, I'm more ambitious and adventurous and push myself harder to get the most of my time there.

I have to see everything, experience everything because regrets would be an easy way for my depression to get in. And I cannot be the reason that the blackness gets to me again. I have owned up to my darkness but I know that my light will always be around too.

Luck, blessing or hard work?

There was a time when my life was just a series of dreams but lately I have memories of the times I made those dreams come true.

For example, I'm writing this post as I sit outside my room in a South African game reserve watching a herd of Zebra.

Is this me being incredibly lucky? Or is it a special blessing from my parents' gods? Or indeed an offshoot of my hard work?

It can't be mere coincidence that somehow things work out in my benefit. Is it because my mum prays to every god she knows? Or is it the universe balancing  out the good with the bad?

After all, I don't have many luxuries in my everyday life, I don't get to stay with my family and I don't have any savings. But I have a bank of experiences that I can draw from and I wonder if this can sustain me.

I haven't had a hard life but then it hasn't been easy being me. I've fought back through my share and I'm still not sure how I'll get my happy ever after.

I see people who work hard and save for a better day after tomorrow; and I see those who are content with comfort and the same everydayness of life. But my fear of missing out and losing out and not knowing when this luck/blessing might run out propels me towards the next travel dream.

So maybe it's a grand combination of it all, my hard work starts the foundation of a new travel dream and the luck/blessing combination ensures that every trip has a moment for which I need to step back and thank the world.

London - meeting Perina and the favours she did for me
Paris - Anita's company and Sainte Chappelle
Florence - the view from Santa Maria Majjore and the Latin vespers
Turkey - the boy
Cairo - the almost solitary visit to the pyramids
Beirut - Mansour taking me on a trip from the hills to the beach
Amsterdam - getting a ticket to Anne Frank's house without standing in a queue
Oslo - seeing the snow unexpectedly
Qatar - the Damien Hirst exhibition
South Africa - the lion getting up just as I was looking at him through the binoculars

Beirut blogging

I'm sitting here in my gorgeous Beirut hotel room which has the most amazing view of the city. I'm tired and can't deal with the idea of having dinner in the restaurant and having to deal with all those people. So I order room service, post on FB and settle in for some TV.

The Fault in our Stars comes on from the dinner scene, "I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I am in love with you."

This kind of timing when I'm in such a gorgeous room in such an amazing city blows my mind. This can't be just a coincidence. I can't just be this lucky. This life of mine feels like a series of random occurrences that never quite make sense. It reminds me of a giant puzzle that only makes sense from an aerial viewpoint.

Then this scene comes where they are listening to a classical music group busking at Rijksmuseum, and I suddenly realised I've stood there. I've stood there listening to music too. Me. The girl who grew up envious of everyone because all she had were dreams.

Dreams are hurtful to grow up with when you don't know how to make them come true. But then when you've given up on yourself and the world, somehow the world will find a way to surprise you. At least that's what keeps happening to me.

I'm surrounded by others who are travelling the world and they fuel my dreams. My passion to see the world is rivaled only by my love for my family. It is a strange balance but it is one that somehow sustains me. Now to see where my passion takes me next.

Onwards towards regrets

Heat waves

Spiral in the sun

Red clouds

Come undone

Sea of sand

Oceans in still life

Change without changing

Move in all directions

The past in your head 

The future in your hands

The life you left behind 

Pushing you onward 

-- Jason Eisenmenger 'Mojave'

Whether it is the fear of history repeating itself that drives you, or running away from the past or even the determination to 'never go hungry again'; the past is always present in our future. Take That sang about never forgetting where they're coming from and Beyonce sang what goes around, comes back around. Whatever genre of music tickles your fancy, the past is always too much with us.

There are these constant struggles within when my memories threaten to become my reality and I have to shake my head in an attempt to reboot. Sometimes this works, the other times I have to shake some more or shut down for a while. I don't want to be the irresponsible girl anymore. I want to grow up, have consequences, be answerable, take control and have regrets because of the decisions I have made.

They say the best life is one without regrets & I've always been proud of never having a single one. But on the flip side is the fact that regrets happen because you took firm control of your life and dictated terms. Don't regret usually stem from the fact that you stood up for your convictions and didn't get the best outcome? Atleast you stood for something, even if it was during a movie and everyone was yelling at you to sit down again.

I have always made decisions thinking that if I don't do this or that, I will regret it in the future. But now, I am beginning to see the idea of short-term regrets and long-term payoffs. I refuse to just let go of my past, I want to carry those experiences and regrets with me as I try and mould my own future. I know in the bigger scheme of things, one human life is hardly worth a footnote, but it is the story of my life. I want to make sure that I do the very best with it, because who else will? 

I know these foot prints I leave behind are in a sea of sand but atleast I will always knew they existed.

London -- where I leave my heart & my money

We all have these places that feel like home even though you're not born there. For me, that's London. I do love the magic that is Paris, but London... that's where I feel the most alive.

I could never afford to live there; unless I had Jon Makinson's job I suppose. But the sheer love for history, the openness of the people, the plays, the shopping & the street markets & the sense of humour all comes together to ensure that this city is where its at.

I've never been able to actually take some time & see the city from a tourist-y angle; so this time that's exactly what I did! While I was still there for work; I managed to go on a bookstore tour around the major stores in London. I feel so humbled seeing where the book retail industry really began and where its almost ending...

I finally got some time to myself & the first thing I did was to go off to the Portobello street market near Notting Hill Gate. The beautiful vintage shops (authentic or not) make me go off throwing my money in people's faces! The Covent street market is another place I give my money away happily; not to forget the life-sapping Harrods! I also got to experience the British Museum & the British Library & of course their gift shops. A Pride & Prejudice bracelet is now my pride & joy. The changing of the guard left me unimpressed; but the Evensong at Westminster Abbey left me in tears. I have never been able to give full justice to the West End plays; but its good that I have something to look forward to I guess. Maybe next time I'll even be able to catch a show at the Royal Opera House?

I also LOVE the food in London, the Spanish, the Mexican, the pastas, Jamie Oliver, the soups, the English breakfasts, not to forget the amazing Chinese! Every meal is a chance for me to try a new explosion of flavour!

Don't neglect to observe the fact that all the other experiences cost money too. But I don't mind, because every part of London is special to me. Everything feels like a memory in the making. Every experience feels like a story that needs to be told. I want to take it all in; brand it on my memory. This ability to travel to my dream city once a year without paying for it feels like a dream that could disappear in a puff of smoke anyday. Till that day comes, I will have to work extra hard to lock away as many memories as possible. Memories that will help me get through lonely days in the future where my books just don't fit the bill.

Travelling: the Oopsies & the Daisies

I'm back from a vacation and I feel like I need another one.

Isn't that always the case? I love my job, I would be very ungrateful if I didn't. There is however always the thrill of the unseen, the not-yet experienced that calls out to the nomad in us.

My mother brought this travelling bug alive in me. She is convinced that I have only lately started liking travelling because whenever she made plans for us to go gallivanting as a family, I'd never be too impressed. I have tried in vain to tell her that was mostly because she insisted on dragging me to religious shrines where I would either have to walk barefoot on hot stones or climb 1500 steps or go down wet caves just because it brought us closer to God.

I felt closer to God watching the sunrise in Muscat & seeing the first rain in Goa & listening to Vivaldi in the Sainte Chappelle in Paris. I even felt the hand of God when I magically got a spot directly in front of the Buckingham Palace gates to see the changing of the guard.

I have always felt the need to not sit around interspersed with the need to not do anything. So I vacillate between periods of intense activity & periods of intense nothingness. It's not a normal life or a healthy one; but it is my own & I rather like it.

But its not like I'm not travelling when I'm sitting still. I'm busy reading or watching TV -- two genuine interests of mine. I am as invested in some fictional characters as much as real people. I don't confuse the lines between the two though; not yet anyway.

That begs the question, am I really ever sitting still? The answer is no. I cannot ever just sit down & not do anything. There is just so much going on in the world and we have such less time here; who has the time to sit still? My friend once described my head as a big railway station with atleast 7 trains of thought pulling in & heading out at the same time.

I feel a strange sense of an out-of-body experience when I'm travelling, even if its for work. I feel my brain shifting into the take-advantage-of-every-moment gear; a gear which is usually absent in everyday life. I'm always looking around instead of staring at my phone, I prefer to walk instead of hailing a taxi & I love shopping so much. No wait, scratch the last one, I ALWAYS love shopping!

I do hate the uncertainities though, the things that invariably go wrong, the weather that turns cold & grey, the car that stops working, the museum shut for renovation. But then, there is always a chance & a hope of that one perfect little story coming out of the trip. The story that makes your friends nod their heads in understanding or make them throw back their heads with laughter.

There are so many stories to be told, so many places to be amazed by; but now that I have been to some of the places I always wanted to go to, I feel a curious sense on being satisfied & being very unsatisfied all at once. This must be the most common of human emotions -- the urge of wanting more while accepting you may have more than you deserve.

So while I don't believe I deserve all the amazing-ness life has given me... Please sir, may I have some more?

Land of wishful thinking

We were never rich but my parents worked very hard to make sure we were never left without. There was one thing I always envied though, friends who talked about uncles living abroad; uncles who sent them shiny gifts & yummy chocolates. Oh, how cool these mythical uncles were. I had no such uncle & therefore decided I would do the living abroad myself.

Moving to Dubai was a decision I took about six months to work on; with the help of my friends, then boyfriend & family. I think my main reason to move was that I really wanted to push myself into something I always wanted to do but didn't quite know how. I felt like I was in a lather, rinse, repeat cycle of neverending ennui (I've always wanted to use that word!!)

So here I was in a city that was caught between trying to please both the modernists & the traditionalists & never really pleasing either. From what I could see then, the only thing lacking in Dubai was the concept of lack itself. Nobody seemed okay with not having things. Everybody wanted everything. In an immediate world like this, wanting to hold on for something real & lasting seemed wrong. I was happy being wrong then & am pretty happy being in the wrong for now.

Now that I've been around here for a while, this city is surreal to say the least; from dolls wearing abayas to brunches where parents get drunk in the afternoon with kids next to them. From guys who stay in little rooms but spend their credit limit on D&G shoes to ladies who find the love of their life in a rich, old guy who has no one else.

Dubai is a personification of every high school movie. There are the jocks, the nerds, the cheerleaders, the bullies & the bullied. And oh, let me not forget the cliques. Finding your way through the maze of clichés & questionable ethics & subjective morality changes the person you are.

I am not the same person I was 3 years ago. I am angrier, cynical, jaded & a bit more antisocial. But I have been luckier than many here. I found my sanity in some people who tolerated all my craziness & still didn't let go. They held on through my dark spirals & through my ecstatic highs. It was only because of them that I stuck around & now that I have been given the gift of an actual career, this city is now my home.

A home that is built on a flimsy, sandy foundation of expat friends who have made temporary homes here & can leave at any time. I have said my goodbyes & farewells to a fair share of lovely people. Thankfully, I can easily stay in touch with them. But nothing really prepares you for how intensely you can miss someone when they move away. It is completely different from "breakup feelings" because you never really broke up with that person. You still care about them but had to helplessly let go while they made a better decision for their lives. Is this what the empty nest syndrome feels like?

Leaving no book behind

I am a digressor. I am fundamentally incapable of getting to the point or focussing on a subject.  I am a digressor. I tell you that not as a disclaimer of things to come (though it is that too) but as an invitation. Follow me on my mental meanderings if you will, give up control to the uniqueness of travelling with words. Lose your train of thought, accept that you don't see the point and more than anything else, let your imagination fill in the blanks.

And for those who are Mr Grey fans, think of it as some kind of mental S&M where you don't really know what you are going to end up doing but I'll try to ensure you have fun along the way.

Talking about fun, in about two weeks, I will be celebrating a year in this job. During this year, I have been able to live out some amazing dreams. I have also traveled all over the Middle East apart from the two cities that were top on my list (Damascus & Cairo). There have been countries that I fell in love with completely & totally and others I would never go back to voluntarily. Having said that, my love for travel ensures that I still treasure every opportunity I can get to get on a plane & having my passport stamped.

I think I get my love of travel from my mother. Ever since I remember, she has been planning family trips all over India. The thrill of packing, booking tickets, getting everything together, working out the details is something I always looked forward to. While I loved the travel, it was her minute-by-minute itineraries that I just couldn't handle. That & her propensity of finding temples wherever we went!

I had 3 dreams -- of getting a passport & travelling internationally; of getting a new booklet on my passport & going to cities like Paris, London & Venice. In the past year, I got the extra booklet & have visited two out of those three. The more I travel I realise that travelling can change a person more than anything else can. All those clichés about travel opening up your world in more ways than one are clichés for a reason.

Now I have grander dreams, fancier places I want to go to. Spain maybe or Thailand or even South Africa. Putting these dreams out there in the ether makes me want to grab on to them & make them come alive. Come join me?

I need to get started

It started with my sister. She loved/loves reading. I remember seeing her spending her time with her book, ignoring her pesky, much-younger sister & feeling very jealous. I think she started giving me books to read just so I would shut up & stop bothering her. It worked.

I could & would read everything & anything I could find. I remember spending one day during my summer holidays without eating or drinking anything because I was reading a mythology book I'd been able to beg my father to buy. It was an amazing book but I digress.

I have always been an average girl, not too smart, not too pretty, without any significant passions or talents. But with a book in my hand, I was a traveller, an explorer, an adventurer. I had answers to all of life's questions & if I didn't, I could conjure them up from my imagination.

I made very few friends & my own insecurities never let me get too close to them. It was to my books & my dog that I turned to for company. It wasn't a exciting life but it was a simple, happy one. Books gave me dreams & the imagination to hope my dreams would come true one day.

I started off working with books; it was the only thing I could think of doing. It was what I knew (or thought I knew.) I learnt from some of the best in the business. Sanjeev Poojari, who hated the business side of bookstores but had the product knowledge of a bookworm elephant; Sang Mo, a small bundle of energy & go-go-go attitude & Sriram, someone who is still considered the father of modern Indian book retailing.

I briefly flirted with content development & journalism only to come back to square one but on a different board. I was in Dubai, working with books again, starting in Operations, making my way through merchandising & purchasing & eventually landing in sales.

I think this one will stick, I am going to make it stick somehow. Along the way, I intend to write. Maybe about myself, the books I read & the places I get to see. No bells & whistles, no fancy artistry. Just my words, an amalgamation of things I have seen, read & experienced all put together with some spit, glue & a prayer. Hopefully, someone will read it & even more hopefully, they won't completely hate it.

Much love