Learning to open a door

Why is it that the first thing a heartbreak does is to help you shut the world out? Shouldn't a broken heart try to heal by finding love elsewhere?

Maybe it's just me but I have been shut away from the world of love for a long time now. I have my lovely job and some amazing friends and have never really felt the need to have more just because I should. And my heartbreak has kept me unable to trust in anybody without them having to prove themselves to me.

Most men don't think I'm worth the effort they will have to take, especially after they see me. An acquaintance once told me my expectations were too high for someone who didn't have too much to offer. Maybe that's true but I don't see it that way...

Yes my packaging isn't great. But I'm a good person with a great heart and great brains. That counts for something right? Even in this appearance-driven world? That's what I tell myself every time an online friend disappears after meeting me.

But I do a good job of keeping my guard up too. I push everyone away as much as I can, almost like a defense mechanism to cope with the eventual pushing away they will do. I do wonder however if this behaviour forces away someone who could have been interested.

Am I expecting too much from a world where I don't give enough in return? People say no one gets everything and I've been very lucky in terms of my family, my friends and my job: so maybe this is one thing that I'm left wanting for...